EOY Thoughts & 2023 Expectations

Thank you so much to my OGs, who have followed me from the beginning. You have no idea what this means, even after going MIA for almost a year. For all of my newbies, I have been on a selfcare journey since 2016. I have been sharing some of my personal journey to finding myself and learning to love and appreciate myself. Doing the necessary shadow work has allowed me to understand the intergenerational trauma and toxicity I dealt with during my childhood and adolescence and how to heal my inner child. In addition, I was able to not only heal my own traumas, but it helped me understand where they stemmed from while helping my mother heal her own trauma. From dealing with toxic family members, being intensely bullied by teachers and students in grade school, being sexually harassed and groomed by older men, and witnessing domestic abuse within my family, I’ve experienced many things that no child or teen should ever experience. Now that I am an adult, one of my primary life purposes is to heal my inner child and tap into my innate gift to help other people who have been in my shoes. I have a lot to fill you guys in on! Even though this past year has been pure hell for me, it has been the most enlightening and transformative year thus far. However, I will try to conceal sensitive information I’m uncomfortable talking about. Where do I start…

January 2022 – June 2022

Okay, so the beginning of the year started off right. However, everything took a turn for the worse by the middle of March 2022 when I started experiencing depression on a whole nother level than before. Last year, I did a lot of soul-searching, which is also known as shadow work. During that time, I learned a lot about my Gullah Geechee culture. I gathered a lot of information from my mother and my MIL’s friend, who became my mentor. However, I lost several loved ones between the end of last year and the beginning of this year, including my MIL’s friend. What hurts worst was losing my emotional support pet cat, Pumpkin, that came into my life during the pandemic.

After losing my pet, I spiraled into a deep depression, battled chronic anxiety, and had mad ADHD tendencies. My body freaked out on me, which scared me. In other words, my sensitive skin broke out in hives and patchy rashes, which lasted for months. Even as I turned thirty and the summer arrived, I did not enjoy any aspect of my birthday or the summertime because I was uncomfortable with myself. During the summer, I impulsively and silently ended a meaningful relationship with my best friend, which I should have never done in the first place. My partner did his best to help me in any way possible. Being the stubborn individual I am, I did not listen to what anyone suggested. I struggled with many emotions and frustrations that had been bothering me for so long, and no one understood me or what I went through. I struggled with asking for help, let alone letting anyone help me. Of course, I could have gone to therapy (which I strive to do in the New Year). However, I had a hard time finding a good BIPOC therapist that can understand me, including one that accepts my health insurance.

August 2022 – December 2022

As the summer transitioned into the autumn, I finally decided enough was enough and started seeing a new doctor to get my physical and mental health back to normal. For three months, I started feeling like an improved version of myself and started to really love and appreciate myself. Finally, I started working out and doing creative things again, like creating ideas for social media and my blog. I’ve even launched my very own selfcare merch collection, which I will discuss in another blog post. Between mid-November and mid-December, I dealt with seasonal depression, which meant that whatever I had initially planned went out of the window. I became anti-social, refused to go out in public, and stopped working out. I grew insecure about my relationship with my partner and wondered if our relationship would evolve to the next stage (marriage). Mind you, we’ve been together for a decade and engaged for over 8 years. We haven’t been on a proper date since 2016 (minus the many creative indoor dates we’ve experienced during the pandemic), so the public (and private) display of love & affection has been nonexistent. I wanted to change that, and get back into dating each other again. However, I knew that it is impossible to make anyone change their ways and instead decided to wait for him to make those necessary changes himself.

In addition, I’ve experienced many ADHD meltdowns in the form of crying spells, which I learned have been occurring since my childhood. Knowing what I’ve experienced during the summer, I implemented significant selfcare routines, including checking in with my inner child and doing shadow work. As Winter break came, I was relieved to be on a two-week vacation from online Uni to enjoy the holidays with my little family. Yet, the first week was spent caring for my sick kiddo, who is finally on the mend and feeling much better. Since I am primarily caring for him, I ended up catching his little cold. Luckily, I have been taking herbal remedies and supplements that have been helping to quickly get rid of it. The sinus pressure is the worst, which I am currently dealing with.

Thinking back on this year’s events, I realize that I was going through my Saturn return this year, which means that it was very necessary for me to experience those hard feelings and just… sit in them, learn from my experiences, readjust my life, and move on. I have learned some vital life lessons that I will take to heart while learning and unlearning about things that matter to me in this lifetime. From today forward, I vow to love myself, value my self-worth, lay down necessary boundaries, and dismiss toxic relationships with certain people. In addition, I will speak up on important things, say no more often, stop people pleasing, and start loving and betting on myself.

Looking forward to next year, I expect so much from 2023. I am excited about graduating from UOPX in Fall 2023, which is a significant life accomplishment for me. Somewhere in the future, I plan on furthering my education and achieving my Master’s and Doctorate degrees in psychology. Until then, my plan after graduation is to focus on my family, establish an incredible career I can be proud of, travel, save money, and cultivate meaningful relationships. Hopefully, in the next year, our family can either look for a new mobile home or renovate the family house, which is over 20yrs old and in need of a lot of repairs and improvements. It’s time for me to pay attention to my wants and needs instead of paying attention to someone else’s wants and needs. I was neglected so much during my upbringing and missed out on catering to myself during my 20s. Despite not achieving any goals I initially strived to reach before turning thirty, I am comfortable and satisfied with the beautiful woman I see daily in the mirror. I can’t believe it took me so long to get here.

2022 has been chaotic and challenging, but I’m nevertheless grateful and blessed for all the life lessons, trials, and tribulations that led me here. Here’s to 2023!